The Harry Potter Boys discover SLASH
by Kisa
Summary: Part 3: Short Tales. What happened after Slash Co had finished with Hogwarts? 4 short stories (the first lot of many?) documenting the main pairings (HarryxDraco, RonxSeamus) escapades. Feedback luffed!
1. The discovery and the room

Title: The Harry Potter Boys discover SLASH

Author: Shi

Rating: PG-13 (I think ^^;) turning slowly into an R

WARNINGS: SLASH hints (mwahahaha, I get to be eeeeeeeeevil), teenage boys acting on hormones (possibly). If you don't like SLASH, do you really have to be a genius to know NOT TO READ?  Just wondering, but if I get any reviews saying "This made me sick" I'll know who wasn't a genius, right. =P

Disclaimer: All J.K. Rowling's marvellous characters are © of her. 

A/N: I honestly have no idea what inspired me to write this. O.O Maybe it's the fact that I just wanted to pair Harry up in a SLASH coupling XD And I don't know if its been done before either.  So…just read and review (flame) to your hearts content ^^ Ja!

----

Harry Potter hopped impatiently from foot to foot, standing in one of Hogwarts more…secluded corridors.  It wound off away into the darkness, so you couldn't see anything about five feet away from where you stood.

Harry, as well as Ron, was waiting outside a room. Dumbledore was in front of the room of the door, holding a big shiny key.

Harry had a vague sense of worry forming in the pit of his stomach. Ron was whistling "YMCA", but he only knew the chorus, so it was repetitive.

Seamus, Dean, Percy, and Justin were also standing in the corridor. All of them wore various looks of curiosity on their face.

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled.

"I feel pretty! Oh so, pretty! I feel pretty and witty and…duh, whats the last word?"

A blonde haired boy rounded the corner, glaring behind him. "Goyle, you really are an idiot you know?"

Crabbe, Goyle, and Malfoy joined the small group outside the door; Draco's jaw dropping to the ground when he saw whom else was there.

"What the ho?"

Dumbledore quickly addressed them with a smile, and waved the key around, "Welcome. You may be wondering what your doing here."

"Actually, I was wondering if we'd get chicken," Ron said, pausing from his whistling, "I'm awfully hungry." He went back to whistling, an eyebrow raised expectantly.

Dumbledore chuckled, "Well, you'll have to ask our author when the experiment begins…our fanfic author." His expression changed into an evil grin, one that could rival Voldemort.

Harry eeped and hid behind Ron.

"Whats an author?" The red head asked.

"Anyway, the fic author specifically requested you to be here, apart from Percy, she just couldn't think of another person to come along."

"Hey!" Percy spluttered.

"Soooo," Dumbledore chimed, "You're all going to be locked in this sound proof, super duper intelligent room for a whole night, so the author can monitor you and calculate a bunch of stuff. You're allowed to do whatever you want."

"Can I not go in there?" Seamus asked.

Dumbledore grinned widely, "Of course not. The fanfic authors of this world bear evil powers, I don't fancy a Mary Sue at my school, thank you. Now, hurry along."

The boys looked at each other confused-"Mary Sue?"- and after a lot of struggling from certain members' aka Draco- "I will not spend the night in a room with Potty and Weasel!"- Dumbledore eventually managed to get all the boys in there. With an ominous click of the lock, their fate was sealed.

**

The boys found themselves in darkness. Harry clung to Ron afraid.

"Is this where the chicken is?" Ron said, his eyes adjusting to the darkness as he looked around, following his nose.

"Weasley, you prick, shut the hell up! It's going to be bad enough stuck in here with…Gryffindors and a Hufflepuff! Without you be an idiot."

"I don't smell chicken…"

Bright strip lights light up one by one, running across the room. Everyone winced.

"Hiya!" boomed a chirpy voice, "Welcome to the realm of SLASH! I'm your host Shi, and I'm here to monitor your progress in discovering SLASH! Please keep your arms and legs, and any other bodily attachments you'd like to keep, inside the room. The doors and windows are all protected with special author charms."

Draco stopped attacking the locked window and dropped back down to the floor, pouting.

The room was painted a bright blue (for productiveness, and the author likes the colour), and had several beds scattered around it (not enough for one each, mind you…but…anyway…), each with drapes hanging around them. The room was positively huge.

"What are we doing here?" Dean asked.

"Whats SLASH?" Justin said, a troubled look on his face, "if it's anything naughty, my mum will be so mad."

"Whats a Mary Sue?"

"Oh, foo you, don't you ever read fics? Pfft, all will be explained…now," the voice had lost all chirpiness, and was now dark and sinister like. All the boys shuddered. "You are here as an experiment. We want to see how you react to finding out about SLASH. Lets just say…the author was bored and on some medication or other and decided she wanted to be an evil fan girl and torture you. Here are some fanfic dictionaries-" a heard of books rained down on them, one thumped Crabbe in the back on the head, causing his to blink- "so you can find out what SLASH and Mary Sues are….although you may not want to know. Now this, in a stereotype fic, would be the point where a computer appears and you have to be forced to MST numerous SLASH fics, but because I'm lazy and wanted to at least try and be original, I'm just going to leave you be and interfere every now and then. Ja!"

An invisible force quickly glomped Draco before there was a hiss and a squeee noise, and the PA system went off.

"Heeeeey! Where's my chicken?!" Ron wailed, waving a fist at the ceiling.

A plot hole opened up somewhere, and a chicken fell on Ron's head, knocking the boy out for all but five seconds.

Everyone stood around doing…not much.  Crabbe and Goyle played thumb wars, Seamus and Dean argued about football, Percy flicked through the fic dictionary, Ron ate his chicken noisily, Harry and Draco were trying to get out of the room.

The author got impatient, and clicked her PA system on again, "OIIIIII!" she screamed, causing the mic to hiss. "Do something…interesting…honestly…what do you want? Dancing poodles?"

"It would be nice," said Justin.

With a sigh, the PA system went off again.

The dictionaries hopped into hands and laps, and fell open at various pages. Justin's one did a little dance because there weren't any poodles available.

Percy studied the dictionary for a moment, blinking at the words and lines scrawled in it. He looked at the cover "The dictionary; for authors by authors."

"Is this for real?" Harry spluttered, looking up the definition of Mary Sue's. Ron read over his shoulder, chewing loudly on his chicken, getting little flecks of it on Harry's green sweater, reading the description out to the others.

"'A Mary Shue *chew* ish an allllll round purfecht pershon *chew chew*. Usuahhly a feeemale-" Harry began to pick the bits of chicken out of his hair- "*chew* she ish better than anyone in the whosle wide world. At everything. Everyone alsho falls in love with her. Shessse an evil devil creashion."

Ron finished chewing and continued reading; "Famous Mary Sue's have been known to be better at Quidditch than Harry Potter,-" collective gasps from the group, Draco just sniggered ("Beaten by a girl!" 

"Hush it Malfoy! I'm better than you so she must be bloody amazing and walk all over you on the Quidditch field!")- "A card captor better than Sakura, an archer better than Legolas or a green Jedi master better than Yoda. Male alternatives are known as Gary Stus'. Hmm interesting;" he took another bite out of his chicken.

Everyone was sweatdropping anime style.

"Well, we know why Dumbledore forced us into this."              

"Whats a card captor? Or a Legolas? Whats…'Je-di'? Or Yoda? Whats green?" Ron was walking around pondering.

Ignoring Ron, Harry flicked through to find out what SLASH was, but Draco beat him to it.

"Hmm, lets see what we're here to find out about," he said, sneering over the top of the book at them. 

Harry looked around and wondered vaguely where Crabbe and Goyle had gone, Malfoy looked pathetic without them. They were still playing thumb wars.

By now the blonde was convulsing on the floor, after reading what SLASH was.

"Oh, come off it, it can't be that bad!" Percy said sceptically, flicking quickly to the section dedicated to S. A few minutes later, Percy dropped to the floor unconscious. Justin's dancing book flew out of his hand and did the can-can on Percy's back.

Dean stooped down to pick up the book, and began to share with the others what SLASH is.

"'SLASH, by definition of the dictionary for fanfic authors, is any relationship of the same sex--'" He paused, eye twitching, "'be it boy/boy or girl/girl, or even dog/dog, be creative! SLASH is well established in fandom, using likely possibilities of couples or totally unpredictable ones. It is also known as Yaoi, Shounen-ai, shoujo-ai or Yuri. It causes numerous wars between authors. You may use the list on the next page to write some examples of SLASH couplings.'"

Everyone seat dropped, and looked dazed.

"I'd rather have a Mary Sue in the school than find out why we're here to find out about this…" Harry gulped.

"Actually, it makes me wonder why we're here to discover it." Ron said, sounding like a perfect Hermione.

"Arrrrrrrrrgh!" everyone backed away from him, Draco shifting away still sitting on his butt. Crabbe and Goyle didn't move from the bed where they were still playing thumb wars. 

Harry hesitated, "Well, we know what SLASH is now, so can't we get out of here?" he asked the ceiling. "Ron stop looking at me like that…Ron…what are you…Ron!"

Ron had apparently finished his chicken and now he thought Harry was chicken, or something of the like, because he had pounced on the Boy Who Lived and was now nibbling on his ear. Harry, unable to take the strain, fell to the floor. Both boys landed in a heap of limbs and body parts, and Ron proceeded to lick Harry's nose.

"Ron…smur! Ron!"

Ron started chewing on Harry's other earlobe, while his hands worked up the boys shirt and--- 

"Ron! GET OFF ME!" 

Ron scrambled back, "Sorry, Harry, don't know what came over me. Must have been the chicken."

Dean and Seamus blinked. Percy twitched on the floor, still unconscious, still with the book can canning on his back. Draco tried to hold back laughter. Harry and Ron looked baffled. Justin sobbed.

"Why do I have a bad feeling about this?" He moaned.

There was a high pitched whistling sound, and the PA system crackled into hearing. "Hello again, I have to take the dictionaries back now. Mayumi needs to borrow them for her het fic…stupid Mayu! Anyway, interesting bit of psychology there, but we can't end up with a Harry x Ron pairing! Its unheard of, tsk tsk (insert evil grin here), but I'll let you be. Food'll be served in an hour!"

"Can we have chicken?" Ron asked, "I liked that chicken, I like it lots." He shot Harry a lusty look.  Harry eeped and hid under one of the beds.

"Sure, have chicken, we'll have chicken potato chips, chicken salsa, chicken soup, chicken galore! Also, theres a wide variety of vegetarian dishes. Ja minna!"

"YAY! Chicken!" Ron bounced and crawled over to the bed where Harry was hiding, or cowering, and lay down, propped on his elbows, staring dreamily at Harry. "I think I love you…" he said, sticking out his bottom lip in a cute pouty face.

Harry backed up and away, hitting his head on the bed. "Get it away! Get it away!" He hid behind Dean and Seamus, who were standing VERY close to each other. 

Justin was trying to reach for his dancing dictionary, which had left behind because he had wanted dancing poodles.

"Potter, you wimp, just punch Weasley in future," Draco stood up and walked over to Ron, who was still trying to stare dreamily at Harry. Draco made to punch him; "Get a hold of yourself Weasley!"

"You do it for me!" Ron cried and jumped into Draco's arms, glomping him.

"What the---" Draco fell backwards, and Ron continued to molest him.

"Now that is just sick," Seamus said, in his lovely Irish voice.

Dean and Harry nodded in agreement. Justin went skidding around the room clutching onto his book, which was doing the Macarena.

Ron was working on getting Draco's trousers off. "Now be a good boy and hold still."

"MUM-MYYYYYYYYYY!" The blonde wailed, trying to get free.

"I'd rather not bring your mother into it." Ron said, trying to undo Draco's belt buckle.

Suddenly Ron stopped, and looked at what he was doing. "Oh, GOD! Ewww, ewwww," he started flicking at his hands and bashing his head, "unclean, unclean! What the hell came over me? Unclean, unclean!"

Draco, looking slightly miffed and scared, got up and tried to get himself back into order, "Weasley, if you EVER EVER tell me to get a hold of you again, I'll hex every bit of your reproductive system and a bit more off!"

Ron winced, and Draco stalked off. 

"I think I'm gonna go…be sick now," Ron walked away and lay down on a bed, curled up, shivering.

Harry approached his friend cautiously, "Are you okay Ron?"

"Unclean, unclean…" 

Harry leant over Ron, and saw a demonic smile form on his friends face.

"Your mine Harry Potter," with reflexes from nowhere, Ron quickly pinned Harry onto the bed, and started hailing him with kisses.

"Nyuur, oh don't put your foot there Harry, we'll need it later."

Harry was trying to fight Ron off, but he had gotten amazingly strong, and Harry was growing tired, so he just gave up, and winced as he felt Ron's hands somewhere where…they never should of ventured.

Harry yelped in surprise. "Ron what the HeLL are you doi--ooooo," Harry smiled despite himself, his voice going a bit funny.

"Geez, get a room!" Draco called.

"Shouldn't be watching should you, Malfoy." Came Dean's voice.

"My mummy is going to be so mad when she hears about this," Justin whimpered.

Ron suddenly froze, and leapt back. "Oh, god Harry, I'm so sorry!"

"Nurm, don't sto--"

Ron hid behind Goyle, whimpering.

"Wha--? Ron?! Ohhhh," Harry turned red.

"Well, now the porn's over, can we have our food?" Draco sneered. 

Ron clung onto Goyle's head, trying to hide. "I'm sorry," he said rocking backwards and forwards. Goyle didn't appear to notice his new limpet.

Harry blinked, and mumbled to himself; "Just when it was getting good, he stops!"

The PA system whirred back into gear, "Okay, okay *giggle* thanks for the peep show Ron! We gotta have more of that tonight got that? *Chew* Ummm, pancakes. Okay, we have food for you, just let me get the chef…we have chicken for Ron, especially, and lots of other stuff, enjoy!"

Ron stopped rocking back and forth and ran to receive his chicken.

Except he didn't know where the food came from so he was running around the room for a while.

Harry walked over to rejoin the group, zipping his flies as he went along, looking a little flustered.

Seamus leaned over to him; "That must have been bloody embarrassing mate!"

"Yeah…but it was kinda goo--erm, at least he has it out of his system now."

"Uh-huh," Seamus gave him an odd look.

With a loud pop noise a dining table and chairs, complete with food appeared in the room, and all the boys rushed to eat, everyone avoiding Ron's skilful hands. Although Harry kept edging towards him. 

They finished the whole load in five metaphorical seconds flat.

"YAY! Did you enjoy that?" Shi asked as the crawled away from the table, all highly satiated.  Dull nods.

"GREAT! Now, this would be a bad time to tell you that the food was drugged with SLASH drugs™! You are now no longer responsible for who you screw, glomp, grope, kiss or do anything too. You will all experience lust to each and every member of this room, although…the end will reveal your true 'love' and you'll attack them. In case your wondering, I'm rooting for a few pairings. Good luck and good-bye! Ja!"

The table disappeared with a pop, and there was a deathly silence.

Then everyone (bar Crabbe and Goyle cuz they hadn't been listening) started screaming.

"Oh, GOD! Weasley's gonna grope me again!"

"MY mummy will have a fit!"

"This is sick!"

"Hmm, Ron will be able to finish what he started."

Ron just ran around screaming; "I knew chicken was evil, but its so nummy!" He yelled at the only remaining chicken drumstick, taking bits every other word, "Why *chew* are you *chew* such  *chew* a nummy *chew* treat?! *chew*"

"SHUT UP!" Seamus roared. And everyone did.

"Does anyone feel…horny?"

"What do you mean Finnigan?"

"I mean like you wanna pounce on the first bit of good looking meat you see?" Seamus said, staring at Draco hungrily.

Draco blinked, and stepped back.

Everything was silent, a pair of drapes being drawn shut and some gruff giggling broke the silver silence.

Seamus leapt forward on to Draco, sending them careening into a wall.

"Get undressed for me, you sexy male, you!"

Draco eeped, and against his better judgement started ripping his shirt off. "Off, god, Finnigan, your so bloody hot!"

They attacked each other's lips.

"Good that is just sick," Dean said jealously. Personally, he wanted a bit of Seamus himself, and now Draco was all over him. What a Slut.

Hands danced around his hips and he saw Ron lowering his head to attack his neck. "I want you Dean!" Ron pulled the West Ham supporter over to a near by bed.

Harry fumed! How could Ron? Ron was his! Grrr.

Harry saw Justin trying to hide behind the dancing book, his hands clamped over his ears.

"Oooo, Finch-Fletchly," Harry cooed, beckoning the boy over with his fingers, stepping over Percy's unconscious form to gain space.

"No, Harry, stay away from me! I'm immune to the SLASH drugs, and I'm armed with a book, stay away from me!"

Harry pouted cutely, "Not even just wone wittle kiss for the Boy Who Lived?" He pulled the cutest hurt look he could.

"Well if you---NO! Its bad and naughty, go away!" He held his book defensively.

"Fine!" Harry whined and went to one of the beds left over to pout and look adorably lost. 

"Finigan get off me you little perv! And get your hands OUT of my trousers."

"Oh, eww, why did I go for Malfoy? Ewww, ew!" Spitting noises and Harry saw Seamus hopping away from Draco.

"Urm, Ron I like you an' all, but please stop doing that."

"Oh, sorry Dean, don't know what came over me again."

"Maybe its the chicken."

Everyone was calming down from the SLASH drugs effects, and was re-grouping with dazed looks on their faces.

Malfoy stood in the corner whimpering about his ripped shirt.

"I don't like this one bit," Seamus moaned, "I'll never get the taste of Malfoy out of my mouth.  It is horrible. I can't believe I licked his tonsils."

"I'll never be able to look at Ron the same way again. Where did you learn to do that?!"

Ron blushed, "With Hermione…"

Wolf whistles rang round the group. Harry was still pouting. How comes he didn't get any action? Suddenly, unable to control himself, he pounced on Seamus. Seamus put up no resistance.

Justin, as the drugs finally worked through his system, pounced on Dean, attacking his lips. "You taste purdy…hehehe."

Ron blinked, bewildered, and moved away from the congregation's bed.

"Damn, no action for the Ronster."

"Ohh, I think we can see to that…" Draco said coyly.

"No, Malfoy, I am not sticking my tongue in your gob again!"

"I'll just stick mine in yours then."

"Wha--ARGH!"

***

Up in author head quarters, home of every fanfic author in the world, Shi sat taking notes.

"Damn, they're not pairing."

"The drug could be faulty."

"Heheheeeee, remember---oww!"

"Sort it out. You know you mission."

"I was only gonna say 'Remember the testing?' You miserable old git." Shi chewed on her pen. "Ahahhahahaha!"

She quickly scribbled down the notes and turned to face the person writing this.

"Oi, you, bugger off, get back to the interesting bits."

Yes, ma'am.

***

After another onslaught of furious hormones, the boys were exhausted. Harry was rather glad he hadn't attacked Crabbe or Goyle yet. I wonder what it would be like kissing them…he wondered.

He was sprawled out on the floor. Justin was having a severe nosebleed over at one of the beds, Dean and Seamus had disappeared behind some drapes, and Malfoy was trying to hex Ron like he had promised, only the hexes didn't work.

"Bloody super intelligent room."

"This is just evil." Ron moaned, collapsing next to Harry.

"Yeah, well…oh…oh…horniness strikes again." Harry sat up and Ron backed away.

"No, I don't want you Ron, I want…"

"MALFOY?!"

"Harrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Honey, baby buckaroo!" Draco squealed and glomped Harry, "C'mon off to bed with you," he said grabbing Harry by the collar and dragging him away.

"Nighty night Ron!"

Drapes were flung shut.

Justin and Ron were the only ones 'conscious'.

"What the hell just happened?"

"I don't know," Justin sobbed, trying to stop the blood flow.

"Well, we'll just have to be sensible and wait for the drugs to wear off."

Justin looked at Ron coyly; "Do you REALLY want to do that?"

"Well, no, not really."

"Come here then, you man, you. I want to see those assets Malfoy wanted to hex off so badly."

Ron grinned, and leapt on one of the last two spare beds. Justin danced seductively over. 

And everyone but Percy had fun that night. Honest.  Even Crabbe and Goyle.

***

Dumbledore swung the door open, expecting to see nine very miserable boys.

He blinked as Harry and Draco ran up to him holding hands.

"Thankies Santa! We're going to play with out new toys now!"

They ran off in the direction of the prefect's bathroom.

Dean and Seamus grinned too, and shook Dumbledore's hand in turn, and ran off skipping and giggling.

"I love you."

"No, I love you more."

"I love you the size of this castle!"

"I love you the size of England!"

"I love you…"

Their voices drifted out of hearing.

Ron and Justin looked warped and tired. Justin clung to his dancing book protectively.

"Is it right for inter house love, Ronster?"

"I'm not sure Justin-poo."

Dumbledore blinked; had his students been brainwashed?

Crabbe and Goyle were last to walk out of the room, the loved up glances they were sending at each other would've made anyone sick.

"Where's Percy?"

Someone tapped him on the shoulder.

"I told you to give me an even number of students. He was carted off to improve the SLASH drug. Anyway, as promised, here's your anti-Mary Sue card, your school and any fics to do with it are now immune to Mary Sue's for at least two to five years. Thanks for taking part in SLASH co's experiment!" Shi saluted, "JA, Dumbleydore!" She vanished.

And we end the story with Percy finally coming too.

"What happened?"

***

**A/N**: Okay, I know it's not great, but please be kind and review, even if it is just to flame!

Anyway, if you did like it, yay! If you want a sequel, lemme know ^.~

Oh, and sorry for the self insert.

~Shi


	2. The infiltration and ending

**Title:** The Harry Potter Boys discover SLASH (part 2) **Author:** Shi **Rating:** PG-13/R **WARNINGS:** SLASH hints (mwahahaha, I get to be eeeeeeeeevil), teenage boys/girls acting on hormones. Stupid ness. And me. =D **Pairings:** *stares* Oh, my. Lots? **Disclaimer:** All J.K. Rowling's marvellous characters are © of her. Also not owning the Kumagorou biimu. But we won't get into that. **A/N:** Fear the sequel to what was a one shot. XD I'm amazingly grateful for ALL reviews! *glomps minna* WAI~~ zaaankkk yuuuuuu! BTW; I don't intend to continue this after the forthcoming instalment, unless I get some amazing brainwave idea. .-. Sorry. ---- All over the school of Hogwarts, the students were awakening. For most, it was a bright and cheerful Saturday morning, filled with visits to Hogsmeade and pranks. And homework. For others; the morning was filled with these very things, and some others that might not make the day so bright. Enough of the cheerful happy yay introduction, lets just got see how our boys are doing, right? When Harry Potter awoke on this bright and cheerful Saturday morning, he got the shock that very nearly ended his sixteen years of Voldemort ass busting life. "ARRRGH! HOLY SHIT! What the HELL is MALFOY doing with his ARM WRAPPED around my frigging WAIST?!" Of course, this panicked girlish screaming woke the blonde boy who, as mentioned before, had one of his delicate arms wrapped around the Boy Who Lived's skinny little waist. More panicked girlish screaming. Which got worse when both discovered they were quite, in fact, fully naked. And in the Prefects bathroom of all places. And there were no memories of the night before to accompany their strange position. "I'm gonna kill your gay ass Potter!" Of course this was probably the most hysterical reaction (but then; who wouldn't attempt to rip the limbs off your worst enemy after you find them in bed with you?) of all the SLASH co drug guinea pigs. Ronald Weasley awoke, and at first thought the person in bed next to him was the girl he lusted after, Hermione Granger. But then, mistaking Justin Finch-Fletchly as Hermione Granger could be a mistake punishable by death from Hermione herself (that, or just the lack of being able to reproduce correctly). "Aiya…" Ron murmured, poking his bed buddy to a state of consciousness and wondering what on Earth could have been slipped in his pumpkin juice the night before. "Justin, I like you and all, but if you would kindly remove your hand from my rear end and get out of…this unexplained bed." Justin, who was usually not so outgoing, smirked at Ron, and whispered "That's not what you were saying last night" into the red heads ear. Of course, this shocked more than just Ron, as, yes, SLASH co insists on "monitoring" all their products progress, and with a drug as unstable as the SLASH drug you have to get the best people to monitor it. Then there's also the perverted persons view, and I suppose that was the reason all guinea pigs were monitored so damn closely. So, the drugs hadn't worn off Justin quite yet. Maybe they react better with the shyest of folk. Seamus Finnigan found himself very stiff when he woke up, but then, he had been sleeping on the floor. It appeared that Dean had kicked him off the abandoned classrooms desk sometime in the middle of the night. Thankfully, he as fully clothed and so not cold as well as stiff. But he did have a hangover like headache, making him wonder what the hell was going on. With a shrug, he pulled himself off the classrooms dusty floor, pushed Dean off the desk in retaliation and left the classroom on a quest for Advil. Finally, there was Crabbe and Goyle, who both woke up, looked at each other, grunted and went back to sleep. Well, at least someone was happy with the results. *** It was like Knights of the Round table, although instead of men wearing armour, it was crazy fangirls (and some boys) crowded round a table. This, my friends, was SLASH co. And they were plotting their next evil move to infiltrate the school of Hogwarts and plant some SLASH drugs for mass testing. "So, we have a problem with memory loss?" There was a nod from one of the smarter of the fans. "Considerable. All those no longer under the influence cannot remember their…deeds of the past hours." "Damn. Where's the fun in that?" "Well, in the observation room, it was rather amusing to see Draco chase Harry around naked attempting to 'kill' him." Several people got nosebleeds and fainted at this revelation. "But that was the only nekkidness we had!" A fight broke out, no one was quite sure what it was about, but it involved strangling in order to get footage of THE Draco Malfoy naked. "PEOPLE! PEOPLE! Never fear! When has SLASH co EVER let you down?-Well apart from not finishing Draco Diaries…but meh--" Everyone stopped to look at the ranting and raving girl who was standing on the table. She pushed her glasses up her nose and glared. "--I have adjusted the oh so wonderful drug for improvements in the field of nekkidness and snogging. And I have a cunning plan. A very cunning plan!" At this she fell off the table. People looked sceptical. The girl in question who had 'altered' the drug for better was Shi, who was known for doing nothing but sitting on her lazy ass in front of the computer all day. Who did nothing but write stupid pointless fics-- "Okay okay, that's enough of that," Shi glared at the narrator. "What is you're oh so great cunning plan, eh?" "We infiltrate the school and sell the drugs as candy! I hear Dumbledore is looking for a new tuck shop owner as the past one went nutty and held one of the pupils hostage with a nutty nut bar." o.O was the general response to THAT. "Whoooooseeeee with me?!" Shi bounced around waving her hands in the air. There was no response, so the lazy girl grabbed the first person she saw (otherwise known as Vay) and dashed out of the room to bring evil…er SLASH drugs to Hogwarts. *** "I don't understand why you don't want to go too Hogsmeade!" Hermione Granger exasperated at her friends (yeah, that makes no sense, meh). "Don't you WANT to go to Zonko's? Dung bombs…stupid little joke things." Ron and Harry looked at Hermione as though she was from another planet. It was now mid-morning, and both boys had managed to escape (in different ways) from their compromising situations that had come about earlier. Harry was sporting bruises, a possible concussion and a bite mark on his left thigh. His mind wandered backwards in time…and he remembered how his little escapade had ended with Draco. The blonde Slytherin had been attempting to kill dear Mr Potter, when they had both very suddenly felt something take over their brains (to those who are not enlightened, this was a side effect of the SLASH Drug) and an impromptu wrestling squabble had taken place…where they had both ended up in the bath, snogging. That was where the concussion had come from, as well as the bruises. Then the "feeling" that had overtaken them wore off, and Draco had bitten the closest part of Harry too him (aka, Harry's left thigh) to stop the dark haired boy's hands from their wandering. In the present time, Harry quite unexpectedly lodged himself off his path and made his way into a brick wall, where he proceeded to bang his head, thus making his concussion worse. Hermione squeaked and attempted to pry Harry away from his wall, whereas Ron kept walking, wondering how someone as weak and skinny as Justin had managed to be on top. He was quite sore. Of course, neither boy was sure why they had acted as they had done or what had made them act as they had done. Ron secretly blamed it on the chicken. Harry blamed his cursed life and Malfoy's ability to look good in a dress (hey, after what had happened; he couldn't help but imagine it). And…neither of them had told Hermione of their activities…or each other for that matter. Hermione managed to bring Harry back to the straight and narrow path of not killing himself by Hogwarts wall and proceeded with her conversation, mainly with herself. "Sooooooo," She skipped around to face her friends, "What did Dumbledore say to you last night? Neville told me none of you boys came back to the dormitories! I do hope you weren't doing anything dangerous!" Harry froze at the mention of 'last night' and continued with his brick wall bashing. Ron stared at Hermione. "We had chicken." From the reactions of her friends, Hermione could tell it wasn't as simple as eating chicken, but decided not to ask and rescued Harry's head once again. "Harry, you're dumb enough, don't give yourself brain damage!" She squawked at the semi-conscious boy hero. But, Harry barely had time to respond when Hermione dropped him to the floor and pointed excitedly at the re-opened tuck shop. "Wheee! Its open again!" Hermione had missed her nutty nut bar fix, stupid tuck shop owner…going insane. Both she and Ron ran over to the shop, which was already crowded with children for unknown reasons. Harry lay forgotten on the floor. Hermione pushed her way to the front (boy, those nutty nut bars must be addictive) and was greeted with the smiling faces of two evil looking girls. Yes, well, Hermione was let down by the fact that there was no nutty nut bars in sight, and was very tempted to leave. "Nuuu! Nuuu!" The girl with the glasses protested, "You must try these! Better than nutty nut bars and only half the insanity!" Well, that sounded better than spending your life in St Mungo's for a chocolate bar. Hermione accepted the Slashy SLASH bar with greed and ran off too horde it. "You sound familiar…" Ron said to the girl. "No! No I don't!" She shoved one of the new candies in Ron's mouth, threw some random produce out and announced it was closing time. Not that many people noticed, as they were currently 'getting it on' with those of their own sex. "Now that is just wrong," Vay said, pointing to Ginny, who had her tongue lodged down Millicent Bulstrode's throat. "GFINAY!" Ron exclaimed and left to dislodge his sister from the Slytherin. *** "I'd never thought I'd see the day in which Blaise Zabini attempted to hump Pansy Parkinson's leg. Honestly Albus, what have you let loose on the school this time?" "Overweight Taxi Cab Driver Bar-bie!" Dumbledore waved the doll around, earning an odd look from McGonagall. "Ahem- Now, now, Minerva. Does it honestly matter? I'm sure it is just rampant hormones!" "…In which all students are 'experimenting' with the same sex?" McGonagall asked, an eyebrow raised. I honestly don't know how she didn't see the humour in this…no, wait. I do. "You let that cooperation experiment with our students again, didn't you?!" Dumbledore had fallen asleep somewhere in the midst of McGonagall's mini-rant, and was currently snoring and singing 'Dancing Queen' alternately. "ALBUS!" Minerva lost her patience, and slammed her hands down on the Headmaster's lovely oak desk. "AHHH! Arm the cannon's lads!" The Headmaster awoke, and said Headmaster looked very shocked. After a moment to calm down, Dumbledore tented his fingers under his chin and looked at his Deputy Head. "Minerva, whatever I choose to do is in the best interest of the school." McGonagall looked far from convinced. "I thought we had the Anti Mary-Sue card? Why do they need to be here again?" "We need someone to supply the school with candy. The nice author-girl was very nice to kindly offer to run the tuck shop, on the condition that her company could sell their products." "Yes. But we have seen what their 'products' can do to the youngsters of this community---" And as if to illustrate her point, in burst Snape. A very flustered looking Snape, with added glomping Colin Creevey attached to his back. "Headmaster!" *** Yes, indeedy do, it seemed Hogwarts was now rife with passion. In SLASH co Headquarters' loud eruptions of "w00t" and "yesssshhhhh-aaaah!" rang around the large 'Knights of the Round Table'-esque room, as levels of nekkidness reached an all time high (wai *.*). And the wonderful passion showed no signs of stopping; even after five hours. "Er- Shi?" "Yup?" "Just how much did you 'alter' the drugs?" "Iunno, I'm not a chemist." Facefault. "Should wear off in twenty-four hours!" *** Harry wandered the corridors of Hogwarts. He had noted the odd actions of some of his classmates, but had yet to be subjected to the fevered groping or anything else. He watched as Susan Bones was pushed into a wall by some little fifth year and was snogged. In fact, he didn't just 'watch', he stared wide-eyed. Everything was beginning to give him an odd sense of dejà-vu. Shaking it off, he hurried on his journey. For some odd reason, after Hermione had dropped him on his head for her chocolate, he had had the urge to apologise to Draco Malfoy and while still following his 'urge' and practically unconscious had picked up one of those chocolate bars the weird girls had thrown out of the shop. He studied it, with its plain white packaging and bright red logo, everyone sure seemed addicted to them already. He wondered if Malfoy would like it. Harry was about to walk into a wall again for worrying over Malfoy would think when Ron ran past screaming "ITS DEFINITELY THE BLOODY CHICKEN!" chased by a horde of little third years. His screaming could be heard far off in the distance as well as the stampeding footsteps of the third years. "CHICKEN IS EVIL!" Harry blinked. Once, twice. Then he turned back to the chocolate bar. Chicken, huh? This was all very confusing, so Harry decided to ignore it all and just get his apology over with. Luckily, he managed to miss the custards cream trap. Neville had seemingly gone mad. Insane. Cuckoo. Whatever. O.O; "Oooo, custard creams." A fellow sixth year reached for one of the nummy treats and was suddenly pounced (custard creams laying innocently on a plate on the floor are far from innocent) by Neville. "Mwahahaha! I have another! Another! Mine, mine, mine!" Harry dashed past the little scene. "Want a custard cream, Harry-kins?" Neville offered the plate towards Harry, while tying up his capture. "Meep," Harry silently cursed as he felt his eyes go wide again, "er--no, sorry Neville-" "-kins." "Erm…-Neville-kins, but, ah…I have to -er- go -oh- count how many -*big blank glazed eyed over silence*- chickens ate the pig!" "Okay then, Harry-baby. Don't forgot to walk with a swagger, I like it when you do that." Harry almost fell over…but resisted doing so, when he saw Neville produce more rope. What was he doing? Ah, yes, right. Malfoy. Mwaha. *** The darkest corner of Hogwarts, no ray of light could touch this corner, as it was so dark. You couldn't even see your nose if you sat in it. You could say this corner was darker than the dark hole of Calcutta, which of course, it was. And why the hell are we talking about a corner, you ask? Well…it was so dark you see! No, seriously. This is where Hermione had horded her collection of SLASHY SLASH bars. Yes, I know she only had one, but they kept appearing in the oddest places (the floor, the girls bathroom, Ginny's bra…) and so now, she was quite content just sitting in the darkest dark corner of Hogwarts scoffing her chocolate. They were definitely better than Nutty Nut Bars, after all. And everyone seemed to want to pounce her! Well, everyone who was female. Hermione was rather paranoid when the pouncing came about, seeing as the girls' hands tended to wander over the chocolate. They were hers dammit! Hermione huffily took a chunk out of the bar and chewed, eyes darting around suspiciously. Yes, indeed. It seems the drugs have a bad effect on the quiet ones. It's always the quiet ones. *** "DAMN CHICKEN TO A FIREY DEATH…mmm, flamed grilled. Dammit now I'm hungry. GYAH, its got my foot, its got my foot. NO! You cannot have my robes, and …thank you, I know I'm quite the sexy beast but I like…my AHHHHHHHHHHH." Ron came down; the horde of the third years attacking him and pulling at his already shredded robes. Ron was screaming and kicking, much like a baby in fact, as one of the third years nibbled on his ear. "OH DEAR GOD! HONESTLY, you guys, you'd really prefer my sister! She's a slut! She'll give it to anyone!" This didn't deter the little guys as they continued their fun game of 'Which Piece of Ron Weasley's attire can you get off with your teeth?'. Ron looked up to the ceiling (as best he could with all his body parts practically pinned to the floor) and saw, through tearful eyes, a glowing mirage, with wavy blond hair and the deepest blue eyes. An angel? No, wait, it was Seamus. And why the hell did he have a pink bunny? "SHAM SHAM!" Ron squealed, reaching for him. "Save me? Please?" For some reason, Ron wanted his limbs. He also wanted to attach himself to the Irish boys head. Seamus blinked, and without really registering what he was doing, raised the bunny above his head and threw it, screaming "KUMAGOROU BIIIIIIIIIIMUUUUUU NA NO DA!" It hit one of the third years on the head, rebounded and knocked them all like skittles off of Ron. Now, Ron lay in a sea of unconscious third years, half naked, staring up a Seamus. "MY BIG SEXY IRISH HERO!" Ron wailed, and yes, he finally was able to attach himself to Seamus' head. "Lets go find a quiet secluded spot where I can thank you, oh Godly one." They snogged, and I'm not going to elaborate. Lets just say, SLASH co (**especially** Vay) are pleased with this result. *** Draco Malfoy had resorted to barricading himself in the bathroom (this brought back bad memories of the night before, although he couldn't remember the night before). Someone was now hammering on the bathroom door, almost bringing the Malfoy to tears. "GET LOST BADDOCK. NO, I DO NOT WANT YOU TO COVER ME IN CHOCOLATE SYRUP SO YOU CAN LICK ME HERE…LICK ME THERE," unknown to Draco, he was pointing at the places the other Slytherin had offered to 'lick' (and probably do much more). "ARRRRGHHHGBDKBSFDYH." Draco whacked his head on the tiled floor, and damned his blond hot-ness. Why did he have to be such a sex god? "Erm…Malfoy, I didn't want to know that," Harry's jealous sounding voice floated through the door. …Wait, was that Potter? Yes, yes it was. Draco practically leapt from the floor, opened the door, and pulled Harry inside. "Are you sane and here to save me?" Draco asked. "No for the save part and …" Harry stopped to think about his sanity. "No on both counts, actually." Draco whimpered and climbed into the bathtub. He screamed when Harry offered him the chocolate bar (actually, wonder boy just shoved the white packaging in Draco's face and Draco had been molested one to many times that day and was already on edge). Harry screamed back, taken aback that Draco was actually screaming. After about five minutes of pointless screaming, they stopped in syndicate. "Well, that was interesting. I'll have to remember to tell Ron that Malfoy was screaming like a girl in a bathroom." Draco glared. "Perhaps not." Awkward silence. "Well, Potter. If you're not here to play super hero -although I'm very sure you'd be willing to adorn the tights and cape - why are you attacking me with weird white packages?" "Ur? Oh this. It's a peace offering," Harry threw it at Draco's head. "And a 'please don't wake up beside me again' gift." Draco stared at the chocolate bar. "And if you want me to dress up in tights and a cape, you have to wear a mini dress and play the damsel in distress." "Don't include me in your fetishes, Potter." "Fine." Draco chewed on his chocolate bar (as you can see this is bound to lead to nekkidnessl) and watched Harry play with the toilet seat like it was some miracle creation. Draco reasoned that Harry had just never seen one before. Chew, chew, munch. (Bang when the monitor went over in the observation room because someone thought it was broken and kicked it; nothing was happening you see.) "Potter…darling," Draco drawled, latching himself onto Harry from behind after about half an hour. "Eh?" Harry fell face first into the toilet seat. "Won't you come have a bath with me, my baby buckaroo?" Oh, man, this was not good for the déjà vu. But it was too late, Harry was thrown face first into a miraculously full bubble bath, was made devoid of any type of clothing and left to be molested and snogged to Draco's content. And so ends the tale of The Potter Boys' (and the rest of Hogwarts) discovering SLASH… I think. *** "Anou, sorry minna," Shi sweatdropped and waved a hand lamely as a weak apology. Vay stands glaring, smiling falsely, "Where's the promised lemon?" "EH? Dirty, dirty, dirty. Erm, yeah, sorry for my ever so crappy ending. XD." Wait a minute… *** Percy wandered through the halls of Hogwarts, donned in a white lab coat, clip board in hand. "I always get the clean up jobs, don't I?" He was tallying the amount of SLASH couples created and had so far been glomped, molested and had lost his jeans. Which is why his lab coat was buttoned up. "La la la la, hahaha, I wonder if everyone will remember this time?" Percy was unaware of a certain someone sneaking up on a certain him. "Come to me, you sexy devil Weasley!" "Huh? ARGH, Professor Snape!" Bang. *** "That was fun. What do you wanna do now?" "Iunno. We have two options." "And?" "One, we can finish Draco Diaries." "…Sounds tempting, but keep going." "Two, we can torture random characters from _Gravitation_." "Cool. So, basically, we're done with this, right?" "Well, unless everyone wants to hear about the handcuff incident then…" "No, no! No one wants to hear about the handcuff incident, do they?! Or the pole dancing Draco incident, or the thong Ron incident." "Lets just go write a RonxSeamus lemon." "Okay. Bye bye everyone. This is the end. Watch out for the bombs on the way out, they're loaded with SLASH drugs =D". The (very lame) **END**


	3. Short Tales Part 1?

**Title:** The Harry Potter Boys discover SLASH: Short Little Tales **Author:** Shi **Rating:** PG-13/R **WARNINGS:** SLASH. And the usual stuff. Fear SLASH Co. **Pairings:** Too many. (Main: Harry/Draco, Ron/Seamus) **Disclaimer:** Harry Potter is JK Rowling's Brain Child and I apologise for tainting it. It was just too tempting ^_^ Again, I steal also from Gravitation. >D You'll see! **A/N:** Okay. So I had a brain wave. This is just part of the 'incidents' mentioned in chapter two and more. Usual insanity, etc etc. =D However, my imagination lacks anything beyond my BIG project lately, so this may not be the best ^_^ **Please note:** These aren't in any sort of chronological order…they're completely random. ^_^; **Handcuffs** It was all to intimidating. Harry looked down at the magically wrought handcuffs he had just received from Hermione. He had, as usual, been complaining to her about his sex life with Draco…she was the only one who would listen, as after Hogwarts had been officially Slash-ee-fied by SLASH Co. students were just too busy well…experiencing new wonders, to put it nicely. In fact, nowadays, Hogwarts didn't really seem like a school but more like one big porn movie. Not that Harry had ever heard anyone complain. Anyway, back to the heavy weighted handcuffs that were resting on Harry's palm, each cuff dangling from either side of his hand, the thick chain in-between keeping them firmly in Harry's grasp. Hermione had created them herself, and if her education failed, she had said, she was going to sell them, along with several other franchises she and Ginny had created. She swore by them. Yet Harry wasn't exactly sure what they DID. Nor was he one hundred percent certain he wanted to know. 'Just bind Draco with them, Harry! You'll soon see their wonders!' Hermione's voice of reason was in his head. He balled his fists and looked up with sudden determination. He bravely ventured out into the hallways, you could never be sure in hallway territory of what was coming your way…which was proven suddenly by a naked Justin Finch-Fletchly running down the hallway, full pelt, screaming 'You'll never catcccccccccccccccch meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!' Harry, however, had learnt not to stare by now. This was normal activity for the Hogwarts students now. The Hufflepuff boy was followed by an un-named hunter, who had on a few more clothes than his prey. Harry came across Draco in the same place he had last seen him. A bathroom. This had been their general meeting place, and Harry wasn't really sure if Draco ever left the high-ceilinged room, with the exceptions of hunting for Harry himself, finding food and to get a change of clothes. 'Draco.' Draco looked up in surprise. 'Come back to bitch more about how Ron gets more lovin' than you?' 'Not really.' 'Shame.' 'Draco.' 'What?' 'Are you jealous because Ron is so studly as of late?' 'No.' 'Okay.' Harry continued to look at Draco. … … 'OKAY OKAY! Fuck, Harry, okay, I'm jealous. Ron is a such a hunky bit of man meat and I'm just a weedy blonde guy beside him!' Harry comforted Draco by putting an arm around him. 'There, there. I love you.' 'Wanker. You'd jump Ron if you knew Seamus wouldn't cut you to pieces with a rusty bread knife.' Harry thought this over. 'I'm not going to lie.' Draco leaned into Harry. 'We have a very odd relationship.' 'Yes…yes we do.' Harry's eyes widened. Where were his handcuffs? 'Ever want to try a threesome? I'm interested in broadening my horizons…erm…Harry…what are you doing?' 'Nothing!' 'That doesn't look like nothing!' Harry looked at Draco and put on his jeans. 'I lost something.' Draco made to stand up and took one step before face planting himself firmly on the slate tile floor. 'Draco,' Harry said sceptically, 'that won't get you the boys you want, you know.' 'I'm stuck!' Harry stares questioningly at his…whatever. 'My foots been eaten!' 'By a bathtub?' 'Its an old bathtub…who knows what its fetishes are?' … 'Right Draco.' 'No! Father has a bathtub that…never mind,' a tinge of red colours Draco's cheekbones. … 'Draco.' 'I'm not telling you!' 'Draco.' 'My father is not a pervert, no matter what our house elves tell you.' 'Draco.' 'Forget about the bathtub Harry!' 'DRACO.' 'What?' 'I found what I lost.' '…You should have left your jeans off then. And the rest of your clothes.' 'They ate your foot,' Harry pointed. Draco realised he was still on the floor. 'MY FOOT? Oh gods…' 'They're only handcuffs, Draco. You must have scrawny ankles.' 'They're manly ankles, thank you.' 'Whatever. My handcuffs have chained you to the bathtub.' 'I told you it had odd fetishes.' 'Draco, I don't have the key. And it's the handcuffs with the fetishes.' 'What…you have handcuffs that have fetishes and you haven't let me know? Harry, I need to teach you more sexual etiquette.' 'Hermione gave them to me.' 'Then why am I playing with you and not her?' 'She's a girl.' 'Right. Ew.' A few moments passed. 'Well?' 'Yes?' 'Get me LOOSE!' 'Er—right. I'll be back in a second, I need the key from Hermione.' Harry left the bathroom and started towards the common room. 'Hm, I'm hungry,' he realised suddenly and went off to get food. Draco, however, was left in his bathroom. And was unable to leave for quite a while. **End of Handcuffs Thong** 'It doesn't suit you Harry!' Dean Thomas was protesting. 'Why are you drooling then?' Neville asked, his head rose uncomfortably off the pillows. Neville was currently strapped down to his bed, a joint decision from everyone in Gryffindor Tower…due to the fact that Neville had developed a unique ability at drugging his fellow housemates and seducing them. 'Ass-less chaps just don't have the same appeal they did last week…' Ron pointed out. Harry pouted. 'Why do these things go out of fashion when I finally get them?' 'Because you like to kill fashion, Harry.' 'I have a question though…' Seamus said, speaking for the first time. … The Gryffindor sixth year boys looked at the Irish lovely questioningly. 'I want to know. Harry, are you going commando in those or have you invested in a thong?' … 'Invested?' 'They're very good.' 'Thongs?' 'Don't they…aren't they…' 'Kind of uncomfortable?' 'They take a bit of getting used to.' Seamus had everyone's attention. 'Don't they pinch or anything?' Neville asked questioningly. 'Aren't they a bit…girlish?' 'Why do you want to know, Seamus?' Harry asked. 'I just wanted to know…Draco likes thongs, doesn't he?' There was an icy silence. 'SEAMUS!' Ron wailed, 'You said that thing with Malfoy was a one time thing.' 'So did you!' Harry's head looked like it was about to pop. 'Right, okay Seamus, I get it, my boyfriend is a whore. But then again, so is yours.' He jerked a thumb at Ron, 'as anyone in this room could vouch for.' 'So I'm not good enough for you anymore!' Ron and Seamus continued their argument, in unawares of Harry. 'Everyone's a whore Harry…somewhere, deep down inside, the little nymphomaniac is screaming to get out. Luckily for some people, being a nympho is easy,' Neville offered helpfully from his bed-prison. Harry, though, had already left to go see his whore. Ron and Seamus raged on. Days passed… … And the usual goings on went…on. Ron stared sceptically at the offending item on his bed. 'I don't know Harry.' 'You said you wanted back in Seamus' pants…didn't you? Best place to hit him is his fetishes. I can find out if he likes whips or strawberry's in chocolate if you like!' 'You're oddly helpful…what happened to angsty "I have to save the world" Harry?' 'Voldemort hit on me, remember? We solved our dispute.' … 'Never, ever give me more information on that moment.' 'Awww, but I have pictures!' Ron blanched. 'But a thong…?' 'Is what Seamus likes…and I notice you changed the subject,' Harry was holding a large album in his hand. 'Yes, yes. The topic at hand is MY PROBLEM, not your… escapades with one dark lord.' Harry 'hmphed.' Ron rolled his eyes. 'Isn't there anything else? I've never worn a thong before.' 'There's plenty else, but you're too much of a whimp. And here I thought you'd be Mr Kink with all your conquests.' 'Harry, I should have just taken Hermione's offer to help me, shouldn't I?' 'She is very…talented, as people say. She works with those Slash Co. people.' 'A yes or no would've helped. My imagination is now showing "Hermione Granger – amazing kink woman!"' Harry sniggered. 'I have idiots for friends,' Ron sighed. 'Do you need help into it, or can I go?' 'You're not gonna help me with some witty "come hither" saying!?' 'Nope. I have better things to do than help you with your sex life. Like enjoying my own.' Ron threw the thong at Harry's back as the other boy left. … An hour passed and Ron finally found Seamus. He hadn't really planned anything, but…maybe he would get an ingenious brainwave in seducing the Irish lovely when he saw him. 'Seamus…' 'Ron? Oh dear god…' 'Eh?' A little girl peeped out from behind Seamus… 'Wow,' she breathed. 'RON! My little sister did not need to see THAT!' Ron fled, putting his robes back on. **End of Thong Pole Dancing** Things had changed dramatically in Hogwarts since the new tuck shop had opened, Draco realised one day. Everyone seemed on a permanent sex high and it was thoroughly enjoyable at first. But now…now he was bored. Nobody was putting any effort into his or her hijinks anymore. Okay, so he wasn't exactly complaining about being pounced in the corridor (although that depended on who was doing said pouncing) but it was all just so-so now. And then there was Harry…Harry who was about exciting as reading a dictionary with a warm mug of cocoa and fuzzy slippers. But that didn't stop Draco from wanting Harry; it just made him depressed because he did. 16! And the spice had already gone out of sex. This had to be one of those "Why Me?" scenarios. He traced a finger over the book he was reading and rested his head in his other hand. Maybe he just had to provoke Harry out of dictionary-cocoa mode. Maybe that was it. But how were you supposed to arouse your ex-childish arch enemy whom you had slept with about 60 bazillion times but had only had about 3 (no 2…the third ended with kink) sensible conversations with that did not lead to a would-be compromising situation if caught by someone? Boy, Draco hadn't realised that his and Harry's relationship was such a run-on sentence. Maybe he had a lot of things to realise. It was at this moment of realisation that some cute little third year scurried into the dorm room, sobbing. Draco rose from his bed, book under his arm and a 'look down your nose' expression on his face. The third year wailed; 'What the hell is wrong with everyone! I'm not gay!' Then he noticed Draco and tried to get away. Draco put his hand on the boys shoulder and patted. 'Don't worry. You soon will be.' With that solved, Draco left the poor puzzled third year (SLASH co made a note to get the poor kid) and went on to…erm…to research Harry's kinks to kink up his un-kinky sex life. Maybe bondage? He tilted his head as he walked and narrowly missed being clipped by a low-flying Ronald Weasley. Now, I'm not saying Draco is slow (he has a fast wit, usually. Maybe it was lack of action?), but it took him a while to realise that this could actually be used to his advantage. In fact, he was almost far enough away to no longer hear Weasley's screams of pleading that his brain began to spark with idea. Weasley, by the sound of it, was not being ravaged by the boy dubbed "Sham-sham" (Draco had heard sicker nicknames, but just couldn't think of any Gryffindor like that) but, unlike the slut he was, was rather against being mauled. He would have to make it a cause of "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours." Not that he actually wanted Ron to touch him, but the boy was Harry's choice in friends, so maybe Draco could use that. He just hoped he wouldn't have to beg. 'Ahem,' Draco looked down in disdain at the mess of robes and red hair, 'this is a public corridor. We can't have this now can we?' 'Oh please Malfoy, please please please, save meeeeeeeee!' Weasley begged. Draco raised an eyebrow to Ron's attacker, trying to think of some witty line to "save" Ron. The boy however, was already on his feet and dusting off his robe. 'Dude, spoil the moment much?' And he walked away. 'Hey! Wait! I have yet to throw some witty barb at you and make you cringe under my cutting sarcasm! WAIT!' Draco wailed. Ron had also risen to his feet. 'Whoa, thanks Malfoy. I mean for once you weren't a total bastard.' Draco pouted and fumed. 'Nobody listens to me anymore!' Ron ignored Draco and was halfway down the hallway before Draco realised so. 'Wait, Weasley, you stupid red-headed…er…oh…Weasley, pretty please, wait,' Draco cooed, feeling degraded. Ron turned around and looked at Draco slightly worried. 'Are you okay?' Draco gritted his teeth. 'Yes, I'm fine…ju-' 'Cuz I mean, you're being nice…' Ron's eyes widened. 'Look, Malfoy, you're good looking and all, but your Harry's and I don't like you that way. Plus you're a complete git to everyone.' 'Will you just listen you sex crazed pervert!' 'Do you have PMS?' 'GYAH! Look! You have to repay me for saving you!' 'I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU!' 'I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU!' 'GOOD.' 'I'M GLAD WE AGREE!' 'Why are we shouting?' 'It relieves stress.' 'Oh.' … … 'So, what do you want?' 'I want you…to…-er- ' Draco suddenly realised just how ridiculous this was. 'IwantyoutohelpmeandtellmeHaryr'skinkyfantasies.' 'Wha-?' Draco, to his disdain, blushed. 'I want you to help me out and tell me Harry's kinky fantasies!' 'Oh…ew…erm…yeah. Okay. Why?' Ron spluttered. 'Because…I'm bored! Harry is so conventional…all he ever wants is for me to top him and then he's happy! But I need some spice! SPICE DAMMIT! I'm sixteen and I'm fricking bored of sex!' 'And you're asking for my help…?' 'You're Harry's friend! Don't you two like…discuss…sex…and er…stuff?' 'Well, I don't really know if I should discuss this with you!' 'Fine! Next time I'll leave you to be molested!' 'Whoa! Hey, I didn't say I wouldn't help!' … Draco looked at Ron. 'So…lets go…er…somewhere where people won't be listening in, alright Malfoy?' Ron nodded towards a suspicious looking fern with was shaking, giggling and had a Hogwarts robe curled around its pot. Ron found himself in Draco's special bathroom, which the blonde admitted to hiding in. And so the two discussed Harry's kinky fantasies for hours. Draco was actually quite surprised. 'Well, there was this one time in the dormitory and we---' 'Weasley…please.' 'But…we used whipped cream and…' 'WEASLEY! I don't want to know about the Gryffindor boys eating scones!' 'The point I was getting to Malfoy is that we ended up discussing fantasises.' 'You could have just said!' 'But it's always useful to tell the full story!' And so, yes, eventually Draco did discover Harry's kinky thoughts. And do you really think this story would be called 'Pole Dancing' if one of those thoughts did not revolve around said dance?…err…well…Harry seems to be a bit more adventurous. 'YOU CAN'T DO THAT!' 'Yeah, well, Harry's got quite the imagination.' 'WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?' 'Hmm…well, you know Malfoy; maybe you should just surprise him. And can you stop screeching in my ear?' Draco face planted into the floor, his favourite exasperation pose. Possibly for fun, he added in twitching motions. 'Hmmm,' Ron looked thoughtful; 'maybe we should USE your kinks on him?' 'We? WE do not come it this equation, its me and Harry, no you.' 'Then why am I helping you?' 'Because you know Harry better than I do! We're about the sex, you two are about the friendship. And I don't like people talking in sex!' … 'You scare me.' Draco looked smug. 'Thanks.' 'Okay…how about this?' And Ron went on to lay out a detail plan that was sure to…er…well…okay. Lets just jump ahead now…I'm rambling. A few hours later, they were ready. Kind of. 'This outfit is to whore-ish even for a whore like me!' Draco exclaimed. 'You know, with you like that, I take back what I said about not sleeping with you.' 'Really?' 'Really.' The two shared a moment; eye lashes fluttering and stars in their eyes. You could almost see the little hearts, springing up around them and popping in "moment" bliss. 'Get over it Weasley. Who'd want you?' Ron pouted before cheering suddenly; 'Half the population, actually.' Draco rolled his eyes. 'I'll go get Harry, erm…make sure he doesn't share this experience with me!' Draco blinked. 'Eh?' Ron simply glared and left. Draco was left alone in a room full of fairy lights and tacky music. And he was scared. He just had the feeling that the Slytherin who had been eyeing him for the past few weeks would use this moment to make his move. Damn the incredibly sexy Malfoy looks! He heard the sound of approaching footsteps and became oddly nervous. If this goes wrong, I'll kill Weasley, Draco decided, getting into position, quickly pulling down the shorts that were beginning to ride up so as to make him uncomfortable. The door opened. 'Are you ready Harry?' he whispered huskily, hooking his leg around the pole, back to the door. He turned his head and attempted to look sexy while looking over his shoulder. Only to find himself faced with all the Gryffindor boys. In the dim light Draco could just make out Harry's blushing face. The blonde suddenly felt very dizzy, sweaty hands loosing their grip on the metallic pole. The last thing Draco remembered before passing out was Colin Creevey snapping his picture several times over and 'Boy, these will look great on the notice board!' **End of Pole Dancing Tights** 'Dun der la luuuuuuun!' Harry jumped onto the bed where Draco was reading some Barbie comic…the current issue featuring all the latest dolls; Overweight Taxi Cab Driver…Mad Fangirl Obsessed Barbie…Transsexual Barbie…ugly fat Barbie…etcetera. Draco refused to look up at his lover…or…friend…or…whatever. Harry bounced around on the bed a bit making Draco bounce jerkily about, gripping his comic in a death grip. 'Wheeeee! Wheeeee!' Harry rejoiced. Draco ignored him. Bounce, bounce, bounce. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Bounce. Bounce. Ignore. Bounce, bounce. BOUNCE. Harry's foot got caught in the duvet and he landed on Draco's back. 'Harry. Although I do like it when you mount my back, may I ask why you are wearing a cape and ruining my "quiet time"?' 'You don't like my outfit?' Draco finally gave and looked up. Only to wish he hadn't. Oh, how he longed to be able to resist Harry's pouting voice. 'Erm…very…revealing.' 'You dared me!' 'WHEN DID I DARE YOU TO ADORN A CAPE AND A PAIR OF WOMEN'S TIGHTS!?' 'IN THE BATHTUB!' … Draco blinked. 'Bugger.' 'You said… _"I'm very sure you'd be willing to adorn the tights and cape"_ and I decided that I was and so here I am!' 'Curse my sarcastic nature.' 'It suits me, don't you think? Ron liked it! He said I'd be able to stop Voldemort in his tracks.' Draco's eyes became fixed on a certain point of Harry's anatomy; 'I wonder why.' 'Actually, Ron said I should get you a costume too…do you like skirts? I know you like to show off your legs, you told me that's why you walk around the Slytherin common room in nothing but boxers and t-shirt, and occasionally just boxers. You really shouldn't do that, I don't want people to put their dirty hands on you!!' Harry gasped for air and for a moment Draco forgot that his boyfriend was dressed like a twat and glowed with the love. Harry was possessive! But the moment soon passed. 'You're. Not. Dressing. Me. Up.' Harry made a weebling look. 'No.' 'Pweaaaaaaase.' 'No.' 'You can have my cape!' Draco thought for a moment. 'N-no.' 'I'll let you…erm…do whatever you want for TWO months,' Harry grinned. … … 'Damn, whatever. But I get your costume.' 'But I don't look good in the wig!' 'Wig?' So Draco ended up as Lois Lane to Harry's Superman. 'What are we supposed to do now?' Harry looked thoughtful. 'I didn't really think this far.' 'Harry, you just sacrificed two months of being able to leave this bed and you didn't think _this far_?' 'I'm not one for planning.' Draco face planted onto the floor, although it didn't feel the same. 'Can we go to the bathroom and have this discussion?' 'Okay then!' Harry beamed. 'Ooo! I know!' To his exasperation, Draco now found himself in a cosplay. Harry had managed to rope Seamus and Ron into the "fun" and Draco had been chained into the bathtub by the evil Pseudo-Ryuichi (Seamus) and his …thing (Ron). And he waited, in uncomfortable women's underwear and an itchy wig for his "hero" to save him. 'Mwahaha, my darling "thing", keep tickling the poor defenceless ninny until she screams.' Ron giggled gleefully and tickled Draco with a long feather. 'A ninny?! _She?!_' Draco said indignantly until he was attacked by said feather, falling into ruptures of giggles and trying to escape the chains. 'GODDAMMIT HARRY!' But Harry didn't arrive. All three boys stopped the "game" and turned to look at the door. 'Harry?' Seamus asked. 'You're spoiling the semi-kinky fun!' 'I'm not PLAYING!' 'WHY THE HELL NOT!?' … … … … 'I laddered my tights,' Harry sobbed through the door. The sound of someone running away could be heard and Draco felt a sense of foreboding as Ron and Seamus turned to look at him. 'Don't. Even. Try.' 'What do you say Ron?' 'Tehehehe, he's all defenceless!' 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' **End of Tights End of Short Tales…Part One?** Shi: Wai! Thankies all for reading! I is grateful! Wanting of the more? Review and gimme a scenario you'd wanna see! Draco: Make sure it doesn't involve me. Shi: Puuu, you enjoyed it =D Draco: Which part? The wig? The skirt? Or the pole? Harry: I know I enjoyed the red underwear over the tights. Shi:…Harry, want you to clear something up for our readers, btw. Harry: Oh…*looks at piece of paper* Right! Slash Co. does not condone any of the events that just happened in Short Tales. They may enjoy and revel in the dirty pervertedness, but do accept responsibility of any character damagement…blah blah blah. Draco: Damn. Shi: Hope you enjoyed! Come back more, ya? 


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